A police photo of the accused petty thief.

Thief, theft petty

Huntsville, Ala. – Thomas Abrams, a 22-year-old resident arrested for petty theft Saturday evening for shoplifting several small-value items from a local pharmacy, conducted himself in an equally petty manner when confronted by store employees and police officials following the theft, sources agreed Sunday.

“What a jerk that dude was, making all those petty remarks toward employees while the cops were hauling him out of the store,” said Marie Connelly, an employee at the 13th Avenue Walgreens store where Abrams allegedly attempted the petty theft. “Like, for example, when the cops were escorting him down aisle four to take him out to their car, he told [employee] Mary [Riley] to ‘move her fat ass.’ I thought that was an awfully petty thing to say, picking on Mary’s weight like that. It’s not like she’s so big that she takes up the whole aisle; he could’ve gotten around her if he tried hard enough. He was just being petty – just like this theft.”

According to employees and other witnesses present at the scene, Abrams was in possession of at least four store items when Walgreens security guards apprehended him in the store’s parking lot after Abrams left the store without paying.

David Gibbons, night manager of the Walgreens location, was in charge of the store at the time of the petty theft, and said that none of the items found in Abrams possession at the time of his arrest had a retail value of more than $1.99.

“Never mind what [the suspect] said about Mary – you want to talk about petty, look at the sort of stuff he stole,” said Gibbons. “A pack of playing cards, a sample packet of shampoo, a bottle of Yoohoo® and a Slim Jim® beef stick. That’s, like, the definition of petty theft.”

Despite the pettiness of both the theft and the thief, executives at Walgreens Corporation told sources that the company will press charges against Abrams for the petty theft – an action which prompted Abrams to counter with allegations that it is in fact these Walgreens executives who are the ones being petty.

“They’re going to prosecute me over six dollars worth of merchandise? That’s rich. Hell, one of the items wasn’t even merchandise – it was a free sample package of shampoo,” said Abrams. “How can they charge me with stealing something that they give away for free? That’s fucking petty, man.”