GM cancels employee discount pricing due to lack of employees
Detroit, Mich.—Officials at General Motors announced Monday that the car company will no longer honor the new car discount long made available to GM employees because there are virtually no employees left at the company. “It’s just common sense for us to phase out the employee discount program, since we’ve laid off pretty much our entire workforce,” said General Motors’ public relations director, Eric Weinberg. “Although we do still employ a handful of workers, such as the shift supervisors of our robot-operated assembly line and a couple of janitors, who will also be laid off as soon as we can get the top brass to learn how to pick up after themselves.”
Text-based breakup enters fifth week
Trenton, N.J.—Sources close to Billy Evans and Teresa Wilson reported Tuesday that although the recently disputing couple of three years are amidst a breakup, the process of the split has been slowed as a result of the two communicating only through cell phone text messages. “They had been quarreling for the last few months, mostly through hostile-toned text messages,” said Fay Grant, a friend of both Evans and Wilson. “Since neither of them is willing to talk it out over the phone or in person – like an adult – they’ve resorted to texting each other regarding the terms of their breakup. It’s taking forever, seeing as they lived together and have joint purchases and such. If they would just call each other they’d be single in an hour. But typing all of those text messages takes forever. At this rate they’re both going to be lonely and have Carpal Tunnel.”
Metrosexual soldier constantly radioing for hair support
Baghdad, Iraq—Iraq-stationed U.S. Reservist Walter Jordan, a 22-year-old metrosexual from Manhattan, persists on contacting headquarters via two-way radio on a daily basis to request immediate hair support for he and the rest of his ground unit, sources said Thursday. “Our hair is really struggling out here as a result of wearing these damn helmets all day in this heat,” said Jordan, who is accustomed to overpaying to have his hair professionally styled every two weeks at a trendy Manhattan salon. “We need immediate hair support here; please helicopter in as many reliable hairdressers as possible to the following coordinates,” said Jordan, speaking to a mystified radio operator at the U.S.’s Baghdad headquarters. “I don’t know,” said a distressed Jordan, desperately working a comb through his tattered locks and frantically observing his reflection in a piece of broken mirror while gunfire erupted all around him. “Sorry, boys, but it doesn’t look like my hair is going to make it.”
Students’ attendance, class participation twice that of professor
Mt. Pleasant, Mich.—A coalition of students attending Central Michigan University confirmed Tuesday that students’ overall attendance and preparation for classes taught by one of the younger CMU professors is roughly double that of their teacher. Charles McBride, an energetic sophomore wanting to make the most of every part of his college experience, said, “Well, what do you know? [Professor John] Warren cancelled class again for tonight. What a shock,” after reading a mass e-mail bulletin regarding the cancellation. “He must be hungover again.” McBride explained that even when Warren, 32, does manage to make it to class, he rarely appears properly prepared, seems to be “winging it” through most of the class time, and has even twice fallen asleep at his desk so far this semester.
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