Nation's arsonists struggle to adapt to record gas prices

Detroit, Mich. – Thrice-convicted professional arsonist Ryan Maranzona told reporters Tuesday morning that he and many of his industry colleagues throughout the United States are currently struggling to turn a profit through the plying of their trade as a result of record-high gasoline prices.

“Making a living by burning things to the ground requires that you keep a low overhead, which is hard to do when the cost of one of your primary deconstruction materials keeps going up like it is,” said Maranzona, a 27-year-old Detroit arsonist who has relied on his skills with the flame to provide his livelihood since dropping out of and then burning down »›

Neurotic adult ghost going through after-life crisis

Newport, R.I. – An afterlife consultant confirmed Friday that the lingering spirit of Daryl Riley, a deceased neurotic investment banker whose middle years of mortal life had been plagued by a sense of the passing of his youth and the imminence of old age, and regret regarding past career and personal decisions, is currently exhibiting telltale symptoms of experiencing an after-life crisis while haunting his former Newport home. »›

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways on one hand

By Robert Adrian
Kendall III

My dearest Annabelle, in response to the increasing frequency with which you attempt to orally discredit the authenticity of my feelings for you, I ask that you briefly indulge me as I use this public forum to qualify my heartfelt professions of love, so that you may see and understand the depth of my affection toward you. »›

Ultimate fighters' egos too big to fit in octagon

Dissenter obviously dissenting just to get his name in meeting minutes

Special Olympics to implement drug testing

Conspiracy blogger questions own motives, funding

Pasadena, Calif. – Henry Ferlo, founder and operator of the popular online conspiracy theorist blog HiddenAgenda.com, announced Monday that Ferlo has suspended access to his site while he investigates recently discovered ties which call into question HiddenAgenda.com’s motives and funding. Ferlo, who has attracted a growing readership through the posting of elaborate conspiracy theories involving the United Nations, Exxon Mobil, Halliburton and other organizations, said his preliminary findings have “uncovered shocking evidence of collaboration with certain departments of the U.S. government.” “It’s right there: money being funneled directly to U.S. Treasury every year, who often would send a smaller amount of money back in the weeks following April 15,” said Ferlo, pointing to Xeroxed copies of his own financial records and noting that the circle of funds has flowed for the last 25 years. Ferlo, 45, also pointed out that the amount of these annual payments to and from government officials appears to have increased proportionally as the revenue from Ferlo’s website, and the pay from his part-time employment as a painter, increased over the years. “How can an organization that has such clear-cut financial ties to the U.S. government be trusted to report candidly about government conspiracies?” questioned Ferlo. Ferlo’s finding comes only weeks after HiddenAgenda.com uncovered evidence that Ferlo has received correspondence on a virtually daily basis delivered by couriers with extensive government ties.

Dieter experiences 30-day moment of weakness

Hartford, Conn. – Admittedly overweight receptionist Jean Dickinson explained to sources Tuesday that her second attempt to lose 30 pounds in 30 days using a diet outlined in a women’s magazine was derailed by an extended moment of weakness which lasted the entirety of the diet’s timeline. “As much as I was committed to sticking to this darned diet this time, I’m afraid I must admit that I did have a moment of weakness in there,” said Dickinson, 44, of her 30-day, uninterrupted moment of relapse from sticking to a restricted food regimen. “It started that first morning of the diet when I couldn’t resist tearing into a raspberry Danish that was calling to me from the vending machine at work, and lasted up through the meatlover’s pizza I broke down and ordered last night when I was supposed to be suffering through my last scheduled dinner of celery stalks.” Despite the setback, Dickinson vowed to continue her work toward achieving her target weight, expressing an interest in trying a new 14-day diet in hopes of shortening the duration of any similarly persistent moment of weakness.

Fed typo leads to increase in interest rats

Washington, D.C. – Economists and stock market analysts reacted with confusion Monday on news that the Federal Reserve Board approved a sharp and unexpected increase in interest rats, sources reported. “I don’t know what to make of it,” said Morgan-Stanley analyst Jeffery Stockard. “The reference to rats is strange. Plus, an increase of a full half-point seems a little extreme. I would have expected a quarter-point raise at most.” Board Chairman Ben Bernanke later verified in a news conference that the announcement was actually a typo from the board’s meeting minutes, seeking to calm fears that the U.S. was reverting back to the highly unstable rodent-based economy of the 1820s. Bernanke blamed new secretary Melissa Anderson for the mistake, but Anderson defended her action, saying: “It didn’t look right, but I thought, you know, maybe the economy involves rats. Interesting rats.” After early declines, the market rallied on word the board was considering replacing Anderson with the highly-recommended front desk receptionist from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration.

Casino offers ruined gambler complementary length of rope, chair

Las Vegas, Nev. – Having already been furnished with a complementary suite and breakfast voucher, David Arbor, a Detroit bank manager who lost over a million dollars of money borrowed illegally from his place of employment gambling at Caesar’s Palace Saturday night, was offered a complementary length of rope, a chair, and instructions for tying a noose by casino host Alex Peterson immediately following his monumental loss. “I had told the blackjack dealer that this was it for me – either I was going to win big or I was going to be ruined,” said Arbor, wiping tears from his eyes before ordering another whiskey sour from the casino bar and accepting Peterson’s offer. Peterson later explained that providing for a player’s every need – in this case, a means of self-induced euthanasia – is part of being a great casino host.