How do I love thee? Let me count the ways on one hand

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways on one hand

My dearest Annabelle, in response to the increasing frequency with which you attempt to orally discredit the authenticity of my feelings for you, I ask that you briefly indulge me as I use this public forum to qualify my heartfelt professions of love, so that you may see and understand the depth of my affection toward you.

In the spirit of 19th century writer Elizabeth Barrett Browning, allow me to pose to myself a slightly handicapped version of that beautiful, timeless question: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways on one hand. And the thumb doesn't count.

By Robert Adrian
Kendall III

It is in answering this poetic query where one who is devoid of true love would likely regurgitate Browning's pretentiously artsy-fartsy response: "I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach." (A response which, I might note, could technically count as three ways of loving thee to someone who would struggle in assigning ways to an entire handful of fingers.) Personally, Annabelle, I believe Way Number One in how I love thee is more accurately summed up by one extraordinarily dapper and affluent Mister Jerry McGuire in his classic three-word tearjerker, "You complete me."

Dearest Annabelle, I beg for your pardon for leading with a powerful trump card like that, but I must be allowed to rest assured that this penned confession will garner your full attention most urgently. And not only does this timeless phrase capture the complete scope of my feelings for you, it also reaffirms my sincere belief that when it comes to finding the most pure examples of commitment and honesty, there's no finer place to look than Hollywood.

Okay, so that's one.

Two. Yes, yes, yes… number two. Please, allow me just one moment to compose my thoughts here, as I had this all worked out in my head just before retiring by your side the evening last. Alright, two, yes. Way Number Two on the issue of how I love thee: I love thee like the deserts miss the rain. A music enthusiast such as yourself, my love, will no doubt recognize that somewhat applicable clause from the lyrics to that beautiful Sade song. Like the deserts miss the rain; sure, in its original context it doesn't totally jive as a response to the how do I love thee query, but boy if it doesn't just sound awfully nice.

So, what's that, three? Oh yes, two. That's right. Wow, it's hard to believe that I've only named two so far. Let's see then, two more. Two more.

Two more.

Actually, I should probably take this opportunity to explain that my limiting the number of ways in which I love thee to only as many as can be counted on one hand is not because I am incapable of summoning more than four genuine reasons for my love. Heaven forbid! Certainly not. In fact, the very opposite is true! On a moment's notice I could easily cite countless reasons for my heart's single-mindedness toward you. I name only four here today simply because on some occasions, such as this one, taking a minimalist approach can enlist a far greater impact. And also because the editor has limited me to a mere 600 words or less.

In fact, it is for this reason alone that I'm afraid I will need to get back to you about those last two.