Lisa Neumann in the backseat of her parents' car, the site of her impromptu dissertation.

Third-grader announces list of classmates who swear

"Billy Augton says the 'h' word all the time," stated a focused, unwavering Neumann from the backseat of her parents' Ford Probe as the family returned home from church services late Sunday morning. "And Joey Griffin and Todd Lent say it, too - all the time."

Shocked by Neumann's unprompted revelation, the youth's parents, Cyndi and Damon Neumann, later claimed that they in no way encouraged their daughter's verbal disclosure of the behavior of her foul-mouthed classmates, and in fact sought to convince the child to abruptly end her unrehearsed statement.

"I think I said something like, 'Is that right? You know, you should never say that word. That's for grownups,'" said Neumann's mother, recalling her reaction to the child's impromptu backseat dissertation. "I was hoping that would just end it."

However, after only a short contemplative pause marked by a slight increase in the car radio's volume, Neumann indeed continued voicing her thorough account of recent schoolroom vulgarity and its users.

"Tori Lager told me she heard Noel Gillens say, 's-h-i-t,'" Neumann offered in a firm yet charmingly naïve tone.

Concerned with the increasingly blue content of his daughter's incriminations, Neumann's father further discouraged her from continuing the report.

"At that point I told Lisa I'd heard enough," said Neumann's father. "I told her, 'never mind what other kids say, [she's] not to even spell words like that.'"

Determined to finish the record of indictments, Neumann instead chose to ignore her father's authoritative input and conclude the report by citing her last and perhaps most fantastic account of fellow-student obscenity.

"On the playground I heard Teddy Sorton say the swear word that rhymes with 'truck,'" said Neumann. "He's in sixth grade."

Neumann's accusatory testimony breaks weeks of silence regarding the nature and frequency of her exposure to adult-oriented phrases. Neumann's last documented report of "naughty language" occurred in November, when she informed cousin Kimmy Robb that she'd overheard Uncle Jim accidentally say 'tit' at a family Thanksgiving gathering.

While motivations behind Neumann's decision to list the young ill-linguists remains unclear, the child's parents suspect attending Sunday's church service may have provoked the child's willingly divulged deposition.

"Pastor McNeil was preaching heavily about the importance of the Ten Commandments," said Neumann's father. "I think maybe she felt compelled to confess what she knew, to get it off her chest."

Neumann's parents said they at this time have no intentions of forwarding the list to school officials or respective parents.

February 2002