Report: 78 percent of angry teens too lazy to run away from home

Notre Dame, Ind. – Researchers at the University of Notre Dame announced Monday results of a three-year study which suggest that an overwhelming majority of today’s teenagers who are emphatically frustrated with their home life are simply too lazy to go through the process of running away from home.

“For teens today who are really lazy – and these days that means about all of them – it can be a tough decision whether or not it’s worth going through all the trouble of running away from home,” said Dr. David Regal, lead researcher in the Notre Dame study, which surveyed more than 1,200 youths between the ages of 13 and 17. “It comes down to a matter of what’s more bothersome to the teen, the fact that their fascist parents are making their lives living hell, or the knowledge that the act of running away involves a whole bunch of manual labor such as packing clothes and having to walk all the way to the bus station.”

Notre Dame’s study, the results of which will be published concurrently in the August issues of Scientific America and Teen Beat magazines, indicates that as many as 30 percent of current American teenagers are upset enough with their home situation to have seriously considered running away from home during the last 18 months. The study confirmed, however, that of this group of youths, 78 percent lack the personal motivation needed to achieve such a goal.

“For today’s angry, rebellious teen, running away from home represents the ultimate escape, the ultimate freedom – which all sounds great until they realize they’re actually going to have to put in a little bit of work in order to make it happen,” said Dr. Helen Hayes, a clinical psychiatrist specializing in counseling teenagers. “I don’t know about your kids, but mine would starve to death before actually putting forth the thirty seconds worth of effort involved in making themselves a sandwich. So as far as them running away from home, where they’d have to fend for themselves for a change, I don’t think I have too much to worry about.”

Hayes cited several studies showing that today’s teenagers spend an unprecedented number of hours each day watching television, surfing the web, playing video games or simply lounging around, often going to extreme lengths to avoid engaging in more physical activities such as cleaning their room, walking, riding a bicycle or even swimming.

Jeffery Skyles, a 16-year-old resident of Billings, Mont., participated in the study by answering questions during a short interview conducted by Notre Dame researchers.

“My parents are constantly on my case about my grades or the way I dress or a million other things, to the point where sometimes I just want to take off, man,” said Skyles, who has never held a part-time job, babysat or mowed lawns to earn money. “But then I think, ‘Well, if I leave home I won’t have anywhere to plug in my computer to play World of Warcraft.’ So I usually just lock my bedroom door, crank up the stereo mom just bought me and try to stick it out.”

During another interview, one which took place immediately following a fight with his parents, 17-year-old Daniel Ewing of Irvine, Calif., spelled out his options for his interviewer and walked him through his reasoning.

“On one hand, yes, my dad looks like he’s totally going to hit me or at least cuss me out big-time every time I bring home a failing grade or get a girl pregnant or something,” said Ewing. “But run away from home? First I’d have to haul all of my dirty clothes down to the laundry room so my mom could wash everything. Then I’d have to roll all of dad’s change into rolls so I’d have some money for Subway or something. Plus, I haven’t really gotten around to taking my driving test yet, so I’d be having to hoof it wherever I go – and it’s like ninety-five degrees out there or some shit.”

Ewing then got up to adjust the temperature on the house’s central air thermostat before snagging a bag of Doritos from atop the fully stocked refrigerator and plopping back down on the couch in front of his parents’ 45-inch plasma screen television.