An overwhelming majority of Americans refuse to consume black Jujyfruit candies.

Supreme Court outlaws segregation of Jujyfruits®

“It is this Court’s ruling that under no circumstances shall any one group of Jujyfruits be systematically segregated out or treated differently solely because of their color – especially if they are then going to be thrown out onto the movie theater floor where they can get all stuck to the bottoms of your shoes and stuff,” Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote in Monday’s opinion. “To do so is a violation of Americans’ equal rights to not get disgusting gummy-type stuff stuck to our new Converse sneakers. It is so declared.”

The Court’s decision represents a huge victory for black candy rights activist groups, who have long fought to ensure that black Jujyfruits receive equal consideration by those who consume the hard jelly candies.

“While we certainly applaud the Court’s ruling, we must keep in mind that legal desegregation does not necessarily guarantee that black candies will instantly become equals in the eyes and taste buds of the people,” said Beaumont Leonard, head of a black candy advocacy group. “Law or no law, the fact is that we are still a long way away from a day when the average person won’t think twice about grabbing a handful of Jujyfruits straight out of the box and putting them in their mouth without stopping to make sure the black ones have been removed. Then and only then will all Jujyfruits – be they red, yellow, orange, green or black – truly be considered equal.”

Leonard’s pessimistic viewpoint was underscored by the presence of protestors outside the Supreme Court Building – a group of approximately 30 concerned citizens who adamantly contend that black licorice-flavored candies are not deserving of equal treatment.

“Whether you’re talking about a young boy picking through his box of Jujyfruits at the movie theater or a retired grandmother sorting out jellybeans for her coffee table candy jar, God-fearing folks such as myself have segregated multi-flavored candies since the 1920s,” said protestor Lyle Abraham. “And there’s absolutely nothing this Court can say or do that’s gonna make us all-of-a-sudden start liking black Jujyfruits just as much as the red ones.”

Abraham added: “Not unless they can make them change the flavor to black cherry or something.”

Proponents of the legislation also demonstrated outside the Court, signaling their approval of the ruling by eating from boxes of desegregated Jujyfruits while attempting to chant anti-segregation slogans.

“Mmmpphhh raarr mmmphh nah!” the protestors said in unison, visibly struggling to pry their jaws free of the gummi-based candies. At time of press, protesters remained unable to move their jaws for comment.

May 2005