Right wing ants lobby for magnifying glass defense system

Washington, D.C. – The Sycamore and 11th ant colony could deploy a system to protect its homeland from child-based magnifying glass attacks within 14 months, according to lobbying republicans.

Conservative ants argued on the Hill Tuesday to pursue the technologies needed to track, identify and destroy any such magnifying glass initiatives through what they call a Magnifying Glass Defense System (MGDS). In theory, the system would protect the Sycamore and 11th colony by stationing protective reflecting technology at its borders.

In a presentation from Lockheed Martin, scientists explained how the reflectors would repel light in the opposite direction, thwarting any magnifying glass offensive and causing petulant adolescents to squint and retreat.

“It only requires the will to do it,” said Bill Grassleton, representing residents of the Weed-In-Crack region of Sycamore and 11th.

Pundits of the program said major reallocation of what residents pick up and carry around would be necessary, but the result would be a safer colony. “Sure, we will need to sacrifice a chunk of hard candy here or an open packet of Sweet ‘N Low there,” said President Gerald Moon. “But my feeling is that we must stop these evil-doing children and their weapons of magnifying destruction.”

The Sycamore and 11th colony has plans in place to protect its worker ants, bread crumbs and other-side-of-street bases from magnifying glass attacks, but it currently has no plan and no budget to protect the Sycamore and 11th borders by way of a MGDS, said Anthill Majority Leader Tom Spindel.

Many Sycamore and 11th residents feel resources should be spent on domestic issues like cleaning up the colony’s gutter district, where many ants feel unsafe walking at night, or developing levees to protect sidewalk cracks that flood during rainstorms or when someone drops a McDonald’s cup.

Courtesy of our news partner The Giant Napkin.