2001's honoree poses with his award.

Fourth Horseman awards Grim Reaper Black Medal of Death

"Through decades of relentless dedication, the Grim Reaper's work in propagating the existence and deleterious effects of cancer has profoundly touched millions of people," announced the Fourth Horseman, who served as the banquet's emcee and award presenter. Reading from a prepared speech, the Horseman continued: "As an associate, as a friend, as a fan - it is my honor to present the Grim Reaper with this award."

Substantiating his reputation for public shyness, the Grim Reaper offered no thank you speech, instead standing rigid and motionless - infamous sickle in hand - modestly basking in the minute-long applause streaming from the appreciative audience.

"Even though his hood completely obscures any facial expressions, you've just got to know he's smiling up there," com mented banquet attendee Charles Manson, who nabbed back-to-back Black Medal of Death (BMD) honors in 1968 and 1969.

The Grim Reaper's recognition comes well deserved; widely regarded as a scientific innovator, the sickle-toting icon's work with cancer has had an unprecedented effect on the way most humans view their own mortality.

"[The Reaper]'s a visionary," said suicide machine inventor Dr. Jack Kevorkian of his personal mentor. "He believed in cancer's power to separate life from the body way back when nobody even knew what cancer was. Here he took a simple disease and personalized it by taking at least one person from everybody's family and slowly reducing that person to an unrecognizable shell while their family watches helplessly. That's marketing - that's how you build hysteria. [He's a] genius.

"And he didn't stop there," Kevorkian continued. "Everyone in the industry thought he and cancer were sunk back in the nineties when doctors discovered a cure - immunotherapy. But good old Reapinator pulled some major strings and got the major world governments to suppress knowledge of the treatment. That's a good example of how he's willing to go the extra mile to ensure death's progress."

That this year's BMD was awarded to the Grim Reaper came as a pleasant surprise to the large number of industry representatives who've publicly scorned many of the BMD Committee's previous choices. Critics were indeed well founded in their claims that past winners such as Kevorkian (1993), Saddam Hussein (1990) and Jeffery Dahmer (1991) received their awards solely because of the current publicity surrounding their work. Determined to avoid handing the 2001 BMD to a 'gimmicky' or 'trendy' death catalyst such as Osama bin Laden, the committee unanimously agreed the Grim Reaper was "the obvious choice."

Conversely, critics ridiculed the committee's choice of the Fourth Horseman as the 2001 BMD award's presenter, claiming the Horseman "has personally failed to embody the standard of excellence representative of the award" since going into partial retirement in the early 1100s.

"Having been granted the power 'to kill with sword, and with famine, and with pestilence, and by wild beasts of the earth,' the Fourth Horseman ought to himself be taking home the BMD at least every other year," said one opponent. "Revelations 3:19 allocates the Fourth Horseman with the destruction of one fourth of the Earth's population. He's clearly fallen short of expectations. And many feel he's squandered what seems like unlimited potential."

October 2001