U.S. Treasury Department no closer to finding cure for the penny

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U.S. Treasury Department no closer to finding cure for the penny

Above: Treasury research shows how the bronze parasite spreads.

Washington, D.C. -- Having exhausted nearly $350 million in federal research funding, the U.S. Treasury Department disclosed this week that it has made little progress in discovering a cure for the penny, a widespread financial parasite that experts say causes severe discomfort in otherwise economically healthy consumers.

"Halting the spread of the bronze menace is not a battle that will be won overnight," warned Treasury Spokesman Neil Rubin at a White House press conference held early Thursday morning. "But rest assured, our nation's top financial experts are determined to find methods of treating the millions of consumers nationwide who struggle daily to cope with the detrimental effects of the penny."

Though infecting the American pecuniary system in the 1790s, the penny has only recently risen in status to one of the most pervasive epidemics plaguing American consumers. As parasites, the pennies are said to spread from host to host during everyday monetary transactions generated by the exchange of goods or services. Once contracted, these pennies gather in the pockets of the host's apparel, where they often lay dormant for several weeks before a buildup begins to cause noticeable irritation.

"Most consumers, though fully aware they've contracted pennies, take their situation too lightly, thinking, ‘Oh, it's just a few pennies,' like they'll just go away or something," explained financial analyst Derek Chatham, who is acting as a consultant during the Treasury's research. "If the host fails to alter his habits in regard to money exchanges, an increasing penny coagulation will eventually make it difficult for the host to perform even such simple, everyday tasks as finding change for a soda machine or selecting correct bus fare."

But the host's discomfort does not end there. Studies indicate that penny buildups can cause one or more asymmetric swellings to develop around the host's lower torso, inhibiting free movement of the legs. Often, experts say, the host's instinctual attempt to alleviate the irritation only amplifies its severity.

"Purging the parasite buildup just causes the pennies to spread to countertops and dashboards and so on," said Chatham. "Once a large number of pennies canvass a horizontal surface, their visual appearance can be incredibly foreboding. The victim, realizing how many pennies he's contracted, becomes mentally overwhelmed."

'Take a penny, leave a penny' receptacles help to reduce the penny's spread.

Victim Jessica Jarrod, 25, recently discovered she had contracted pennies while changing clothes after a Saturday afternoon spending spree. Said Jarrod: "I dumped a handful of pocket change onto the top of my bedroom television, and suddenly the whole surface was covered with pennies. It's hard to explain the feeling you get seeing all those worthless units, knowing full well that you're never going to be rid of them."

When informed of Jarrod's episode, Chatham nodded his head in recognition.

"See, this is what happens," Chatham said after a brief sigh. "I've seen it a thousand times. Her penny condition is now a serious problem. At this point, quarantining the pennies into 50-cent rolls or a glass jar may relieve the irritation, but it's no cure. In other words, she might get the pennies out of the way, but they certainly aren't going to go away."

For financial analysts seeking a cure, unlocking the secrets of the penny has proved exceedingly difficult. Beyond the penny's refusal to be broken down into smaller units that could be more thoroughly examined, Rubin says that through more than 200 years of evolution and mutation, the penny has developed many unique strains that continue to circulate through our country's financial system.

"Currently, the most common strain of penny is distinguished by contours that, oddly enough, resemble the bust of a male human," Rubin said. "Other strains display anything from Indian arrowhead images to letters such as V.D.B. What these images mean and how they affect the penny's survival instincts are matters yet to be determined."

With an estimated 1,040 new pennies entering the monetary system every second (30 million per day), and no cure or vaccine in sight, the penny menace has the Treasury Department scrambling to educate consumers about ways of impeding the spread of the epidemic.

"We've mandated that independent penny receptacles be placed near all cash registers that operate in highly contaminated areas like gas stations and convenience stores," Rubin explained, referring to a key prevention tool. "These receptacles are affixed with a slogan: ‘Take a penny, leave a penny.' The hope is that when consumers make retail purchases - during which time they are most at-risk of infection - they will have the good sense to immediately discard the pennies into these receptacles. Specially trained military personnel will then quarantine and destroy the pennies."

October 2001