(Left) Herman Muntz spreads last-minute word about the rapture's immediate nearness. (Right) Rapture is rescheduled to an undisclosed date after Muntz acquires a bottle of Five O'Clock Vodka.

Liquor purchase postpones Judgment Day

"This morning [Muntz] was yammering on as usual about how God told him we're all going to be cast into a lake of fire tonight, but it looks like things are different now that he's scored that bottle," stated Happy Daze Liquor Store employee Dave Simonnet nearly two hours after he sold Muntz the $5.95 bottle of alcohol. "Now he's sitting in the back alley going on and on about how 'Everything's all good.'"

Simonnet added: "I guess the apocalypse got pushed back - at least until his booze runs out."

Sources close to Muntz confirmed that until his liquor purchase at approximately 3 p.m. this afternoon, Muntz had been incessantly canvassing the downtown area, excitedly divulging his doomsday prophecy to pedestrians, bicyclists and motorists through unsolicited oral dissertations and by carrying a sign that read "The End Is Near."

"He insisted that the second coming of Jesus was going to take place tonight," said pedestrian Carol Ollman, who was approached by Muntz this morning as she exited a downtown coffee shop. "He kept screaming at me, 'Will you be ready? Will you be ready for Him?' I didn't really have time to talk to him so I just said, 'I don't know,' and kept moving."

The impending rapture that Muntz had so heavily promoted, however, was suddenly rescheduled after an unexpecting Muntz received what he later referred to as "a gift from God."

"That lucky bastard found a ten-dollar bill and a perfectly good hamburger in a dumpster behind Lucky's [grocery store]," said Fred Talbert, a homeless associate of Muntz who had been helping him alert the public of The End's immediate nearness. "[After finding the ten dollars] Herman said all of our problems were solved - even the one about God storming down to end the world later tonight."

Though today's events have qualmed the apocalyptic fears of many residents, theologians worldwide are dismissing the significance of Muntz' revised doomsday timeline, contending that an event as significant as the culmination of the universe is unlikely to hinge on the sobriety status of a single alcoholic vagabond.

"Just because God does not descend at midnight to judge all men doesn't necessarily mean that Muntz was able to postpone the rapture," said Cardinal Thomas Clay of the Vatican. "More likely is that the Second Coming wasn't supposed to be tonight. But Muntz is right about The End coming soon. Prepare yourselves, sinners."

April 2002