Westbrook Accounts Receivable manager Tyler Mayfield at work in his office.

New home heating monopoly promises to revolutionize home heating monopolization

Westbrook Gas and Heat: "We're here for you. Whether you like it or not."

As Minnesota's lone supplier of commercial natural gas, the state-regulated enterprise feels its openly expressed contempt for the customer will facilitate more cooperative customer relations than previous home heating monopolies have been able to secure.

"Westbrook Gas & Heat is here for you. Whether you like it or not," CEO Carter Hill stated flatly at a press conference Monday, firmly clueing Minnesota residents to the stern, dictating rule with which Westbrook plans to serve its choiceless, heat-reliant customers. "Never before have St. Paul residents had a straight-talking company like Westbrook to be obligated to purchase their natural gas through."

Agreeing to adequately serve the public's home heating needs while simultaneously securing strong profits for its stockholders, Westbrook Gas & Heat has quickly prospered as an investor-owned monopoly, recently securing regional domination despite federal anti-trust mandates intended to provoke competition in the natural gas utility industry.

Hill credits Westbrook's success not to its deep-pocketed financial invulnerability, but to the company's revolutionary customer service policy, which many think could forever reverse the negative stigma attached to corporate monopolization.

"Westbrook does not pretend to care about its customers," Hill voiced, eager to explain his company's innovative customer relations concepts. "When given no say in selecting their [home heating] service providers, you've got to expect that customers will be unhappy, even if by some chance you do manage to provide immaculate service. Capitalism has spoiled consumers into thinking they're always right. We here at Westbrook are not afraid to tell them otherwise."

Hill pointed out that monopolies of past have continually done themselves disservice by 'thanking' or 'valuing' their customers - customers who no doubt are disgruntled by such obviously patronizing comments like, 'We appreciate your business' - a phrase often printed on customers' invoices.

"That's insulting," said Hill of the condescending 'thank you' comments not found on any Westbrook document, product or advertisement. "Customers know better than that. We don't appreciate their business. We don't have to. [They] either [have to] pay us, haul firewood or freeze to death. The choice is theirs."

Hill feels that Westbrook's consumers, a demographic Hill often jokingly refers to as "the worthless peasants," no doubt appreciate the company's realistic approach to dealing with its loathing but dependent clients.

"Not that I care," Hill quickly piped.

Similarly, Westbrook Gas & Heat scoffs at other monopolies' blatantly insincere efforts to minimize the blow of expensive winter gas bills, as home heating suppliers often mail letters suggesting customers adjust their budgets in forethought to the coming season.

Hill said that the onus of financial preparation should instead fall directly on customers' ability to match common sense with basic sensory awareness.

"When it starts getting cold, expect Westbrook to gouge you with ridiculously inflated gas and service charges," said Hill. "Other monopolies do the same thing, but blame 'market fluctuation' or 'supply and demand.' Like the company isn't just jacking up the cost because you'll freeze to death without its product. Right."

"Granted, customers are stupid," Hill added, "but not that stupid."

Westbrook's customers, it seems, wholeheartedly agree.

"At least the new home heating company we're being forced to embrace doesn't try to act all friendly," said St. Paul homeowner and now Westbrook client Paul Atki, 48. "That's like a new cellmate wanting to shake your hand - there's something wrong with the picture. [Westbrook] is at least willing to admit that the days of utility companies serving the public are long past. That's something our old provider would never do, and I always resented them for it."

Westbrook officials confirm that the company has completed the changeover of consumer accounts from former gas monopoly Duluth Heating and that "peasants can expect to feel the first wave of budget-crippling mailings within weeks."

February 2002