Bush simulates an F-16 air-to-surface strike after positioning ground forces.

Bush works out war strategy in backyard sandbox

Outfitted in full military fatigues, the 56-year-old U.S. military Commander In Chief utilized his vivid imagination while manipulating an array of army toys to experiment with different combat strategies and attack drills.

"Zzzzzzrrrreewww boom!" said an excited Bush, firing a series of pretend air-to-surface missiles from the toy F-16 Fighting Falcon being piloted by his left hand. Using his right hand, the President simulated the impact of the rockets by grabbing a fistful of sand and tossing it softly into the air while vocally mimicking the cries of wounded Iraqi soldiers.

"Wwwhhhhooossshhhh," added Bush, banking the model airplane hard to the west and landing the unit just inches away from his blue plastic shovel.

During Bush's intensely focused six-hour strategy session - which involved the fabrication of forts, foxholes, bunkers, roads and tunnels; the dressing and arming of several 12-inch G. I. Joe action figures; the positioning of artillery, vehicles, tents and munitions depots and detailed run-throughs of actual combat situations levied against an imaginary resistance - the President simulated defenses for a variety of possible engagements: from protecting against very likely threats such as suicide bombing attacks to the highly unlikely event of U.S. soldiers being stomped on by giant feet.

"We've staged ground forces just outside Barsa, commander," Bush said, struggling to restrict movement of his lips as he subtly shook the G. I. Joe delivering the tactical report. "Hussein's Republic Guard divisions have fallen back. We expect their forces to regroup in either the Tigris or Euphrates River valleys."

Bush then spent nearly 20 minutes molding and detailing a replica river valley using a large spoon and plastic bucket. Unsatisfied with the authenticity of the scaled-down battlefield, Bush retrieved a running garden hose from the side of the house and returned to the sandbox to flood his newly constructed reservoir and conduct a number of mock-up amphibious attacks.

According to first lady Laura Bush, the president concluded his exhaustive outdoors activities at approximately 6 p.m., when Bush came inside the house and "immediately requisitioned two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and a double ration of Kool-Aid."

"He's so cute," added Laura Bush. "And such a workaholic. This morning when I caught him rooting through the Presidential toy trunk I said, 'Honey, you are not going out there again today. It's Sunday for Pete's sake, and this is supposed to be your vacation.' I guess the little guy just can't help himself."

Sources confirmed that the President conducted further amphibious warfare simulations during his 45-minute bath late Sunday evening before retiring to his study to skim Sun Tza's The Art of War and reread a compilation book of Beetle Bailey comic strips.

September 2002