Bush administration provokes evolutionary recession

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United States President George W. Bush

Bush administration provokes evolutionary recession

Washington, D.C. -- Still struggling to reverse the economic recession that has plagued the United States since President Bush's January inauguration, the Bush administration this week began scrambling for methods capable of halting what top science advisors are proclaiming as the beginning of a nationwide evolutionary recession.

A study released Monday by Georgetown University suggests that "Americans' prolonged exposure to the intellectually embarrassing public displays of President George W. Bush is causing a decadent shift in the instinctual mating preferences of the United States population."

"What we are seeing is unprecedented," said Georgetown Professor Himen Fairbanks at a press conference Monday morning. "Procreative-minded constituents witnessing (via television) the intellectual incompetence of our nation's most powerful official - President Bush - is subconsciously causing those constituents to seek intellectually devoid mates, so as to increase their offspring's eventual chances of Presidential electability."

Confused by the highly technical wording of the prepared statement, members of the press prodded Fairbanks for a simpler explanation of the study's findings.

"Well, Darwinistically speaking, creatures born best suited for their environment will have the best chances for survival, prosperity and procreation," Fairbanks explained. "With Bush holding the country's most influential and prestigious position, human evolution in the U.S. is being tricked into thinking that those born with the least capacity for intelligence will stand the best chance of achieving success."

Experts say having a "mentally devoid person" acting as America's most powerful official is tricking constituents' evolutionary tendencies.

The Hopkins study, which began shortly after the Bush administration took office, predicts that the evolutionary recession's effects will be evident as early as 2008, when standardized testing should begin showing American schoolchildren harboring a diminished cranial capacity, the inability to pronounce simple words or construct grammatically correct sentences and other unintelligent tendencies normally associated with President Bush.

Furthermore, the study predicts that by 2015, depending on the eventual length of Bush's presidential term, the evolutionary recession's effects could escalate from simple intelligence loss to such drastically decadent mutations as the development of webbed feet or the loss of opposable thumbs.

Critics of the University's study were quick to voice their problems with the findings, indicating that evolutionary changes in man are developed over vast lengths of time and are essentially undetectable during the short term that the Georgetown study explores.

"It's true that mutations influencing natural selection are usually undetectable during the short term," countered Fairbanks. "But when a person of Bush's intelligence is catapulted to the highest office in the land, the message sent to people's subconscious and its effects on natural selection, well, there is just no comparative documentation capable of disproving our findings."

July 2001