Neurotic adult ghost going through after-life crisis

Newport, R.I. – An afterlife consultant confirmed Friday that the lingering spirit of Daryl Riley, a deceased neurotic investment banker whose middle years of mortal life had been plagued by a sense of the passing of his youth and the imminence of old age, and regret regarding past career and personal decisions, is currently exhibiting telltale symptoms of experiencing an after-life crisis while haunting his former Newport home.

“Daryl’s behavior in the eternal realm suggests that he’s been struck by the realization that he’s not going to not be alive forever, and is going through what is commonly referred to as an after-life crisis,” said Michelle Gatrivani, a medium hired by Riley’s widow to communicate with her departed spouse. “It’s a phase he’ll probably snap out of eventually, but his spirit could be kind of down in the dumps like this for another millennium or two while Daryl faces bouts of dramatic self-doubt regarding his place in the afterworld.”

Gatrivani’s services were contracted after Amanda Riley, Daryl’s wife for 42 years, became concerned about recent changes in the behavior of her husband’s ghost, who has routinely haunted their family home since dying of brain cancer at age 68 three years ago.

“One thing about Daryl, he was never much of a night owl – except for when he was going through a mid-life crisis in his late forties, when he would often stay up pacing the upstairs hallway until the wee hours, just like his ghost started doing last week,” said Amanda Riley, noting that she’d previously only heard the haunting footsteps of her husband’s ghost during early evening. “That’s how I knew something was eating at him. I’ve found that Daryl’s spirit is pretty much just as predictable – and as neurotic, apparently – as the real Daryl Riley was, God bless him.”

Having visited the Riley home and claimed to have communicated directly with Daryl’s spirit through séances, Gatrivani, despite having no formal training in psychoanalysis, has become convinced that Daryl Riley’s spirit is in the throes of a full-fledged after-life crisis.

“At a certain point during a spirit’s time in the hereafter, one often becomes obsessively reflective regarding their existence in the immaterial realm, and they often spend a lot of time dwelling how they might better spend the remainder of their supernatural lives,” said Gatrivani. “Spirits like Daryl’s typically spend this period of their afterlife reevaluating their priorities. Perhaps Daryl’s ghost is recognizing the fact that he should be spending more time haunting his family. Or maybe he’s wishing his physical apparition was eternally bound to the outdoors instead of being cooped up haunting the inside of a house. He’s likely getting tired of only being able to play immature little pranks like hiding his wife’s car keys or turning the kitchen sink’s faucet on and off once every other day just to try to feel like he’s alive.”

Gatrivani insisted that through multiple communications with Daryl Riley, she witnessed firsthand the ghost’s descent from sporadic neurosis to chronic after-life crisis.