Small town Gang Task Force struggles to decipher sidewalk graffiti

Elm Creek, Neb. – Law enforcement officials in the small Nebraska town of Elm Creek announced Monday the creation of the Elm Creek Gang Task Force (ECGTF): an all-volunteer team charged with deciphering the meanings behind what they are calling the “obviously gang-related” sidewalk graffiti that recently began appearing on the sidewalks of this previously quiet, peaceful town.

“Graffiti is notorious for being the first indication that gang activity is present in a community,” said Betsy Griffin, 73, the retired librarian leading the newly formed task force. “And although few if any of us [on the Gang Task Force] have prior experience in combating criminal street gangs, I believe that working together to extrapolate the meaning of these chalk symbols is a key first step toward identifying and eradicating this gang uprising before it becomes an overwhelming influence on our small community.” »›

Nation’s homeless being replaced by lazier, less-efficient robots

Washington, D.C. – An annual report released this week by the U.S. Conference of Mayors shows that an increasing number of homeless people throughout the country are being replaced by lazier, less-efficient robots.

“What this study says is that our perception of the nation’s homeless as a group of men and women who are unable to adapt to society’s structure is becoming increasingly outdated,” said Philip Mangino, director of the U.S. Interagency Council (ICH) on Homelessness. “In truth, more and more of the non-hardworking humans who’ve been the backbone of this nation’s homeless population for hundreds of years are being replaced by machines – robots capable of being far less productive than a traditional, flesh and blood homeless person could ever be.” »›

Stumbling attempt to socialize at family reunion results in commitment to organize next reunion

Piedmont, Ga. – Susan Bradbury, a warmhearted yet reclusive member of the Bradbury family made an ill-conceived and stumbling impromptu attempt to socialize during her family’s annual reunion Sunday – a move Bradbury fears may have committed her to organizing the following year’s reunion party, a project with which she harbors no desire to be involved. »›

The Bronx vs. The Hague

By Robert “Big Bobby” Carelli

Hey, the Hague. Ya think you’re better than us? I bet ya do, don’t ya? Well, here’s a newsflash: ya ain’t got nothin’ on the good people of the Bronx. Zero. Zilch. In fact, believe me when I say the Bronx has got you pasty Netherlanders beat. In spades.

Exactly what the hell is the big stink about you guys, anyway? The fact that you’re the so-called business hub of Europe? Oh wait – maybe it’s your internationally acclaimed Water Supply & Sanitation Collaborative Council. Or the fact that you’re supposedly the world’s political power centre. Well, here’s what I got to say about your little accomplishments: whooptie shit. My two-month-old goddaughter has puked... »›

Video questioned in killing of radio star

Atheist accidentally enjoys Christian song on radio

Rapper lauded for using proper grammar

Cell phone user spends majority of his minutes complaining to friends about his cell phone plan

New Orleans, La. – Sources close to budget-minded cell phone user Corey Mann told reporters Monday that the 37-year-old computer technician spends a majority of his prepaid cell phone minutes complaining to friends about how much he hates his Cingular® prepaid minutes plan. “It seems like every time I’m on the phone with Corey he spends most of the conversation talking about how much his prepaid minutes plan sucks,” said Noah Adamski, a friend of Mann. “He’ll usually spend a couple of those precious minutes complaining about the prehistoric phone he had to buy in order to be compatible with the plan, then he’ll chew up another block of minutes explaining how there’s no way his minutes are getting counted right or how it seems like one cell phone minute is equal to about twenty seconds of actual talk time. Then after all that he’ll say he’s running out of minutes so he has to go. It’s like, ‘Nice talking to you, Corey.’”

Love Boat passenger suggests coming up for nightcap

International Waters – Detailed logs culled from the Pacific Princess cruise line confirmed Friday that fellow passenger Jack Kendall has enjoyed your stroll along the Promenade Deck, and is eager for you to pop by his cabin for a nightcap. Kendall, a suave but lonely Texas oil man who bears a considerable resemblance to Three’s Company actor Richard Kline, feels this evening of budding romance could best be concluded with some relaxed, casual alcohol consumption on the couch positioned roughly 12 to 14 feet from his queen-sized bed. Although Kendall purports to be no “professional Mixologist,” ship records indicate that back before his fiancée left him for a competing oil tycoon, he was known to whip up a pretty mean Tequila Sunrise and Harvey Wallbanger. Nautical experts believe although Kendall isn’t normally your type, and that you hadn’t planned on meeting anyone so soon after your husband’s passing, the two of you will likely be advising the ship’s cruise director of your engagement plans while deboarding in Mazatlán three days from now.

Latest Nora Ephron film given straight-to-airplane release

Hollywood, Calif. – Love And All The Trimmings, the upcoming Nora Ephron romantic comedy, will bypass conventional marketing trends by being given a straight-to-airplane release. This according to MGM CEO Harry Sloan, who says the decision will help capitalize on the filmmaker’s core audiences. “Over the years, no viewers have responded to Nora’s cinematic vision quite like those secured inside a pressurized cabin twenty-one thousand feet in the air,” said Sloan, who believes his studio stands to save millions of dollars by bypassing terrestrial theatres. “Let’s be frank here: whether you’ve seen Sleepless Iin Seattle, You’ve Got Mail, or the trans-generational classic Hanging Up, chances are that viewing experience took place on a commercial airliner.” Love And All The Trimmings stars Meg Ryan as a television chef who, against her better judgment, slowly falls in love with a rival on-air host whose cocky demeanor she initially finds infuriating. Studio reps have confirmed the film’s 93-minute runtime will be seamlessly positioned between the post-boarding safety demonstration and the in-flight meal.

Languid ID thief harasses nation’s Aaron A. Aaronsons

Spokane, Wash. – Authorities report having nabbed a “somewhat slothful” identity thief who accessed the Social Security numbers of millions of Americans but managed to victimize only a few atop the alphabetical list. FBI officials said Chad Davison, 34, hacked into federal government computer files containing the Social Security numbers of 17 million Americans, allowing him take out credit cards and make purchases in the victims’ names – although he got around to exploiting very little of the personal data. “He had these big, elaborate plans for employing a network of thieves to really mine the information for all it was worth, up and down the list. But he postponed the first meeting because it was raining and never really pursued it after that,” said Agent Robert Cowman. “Ultimately, he went through some of the names beginning with ‘A’ and gave up. We’re lucky that his mom was right – he’s just not very motivated.”