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The Grand Raggidy Roller Girls featuring Coach Dick Bill

Always eager to explore new opportunities that involve women assaulting each other, semi-retired star athlete and cultural icon Dick Bill recently accepted the position of head coach of the Grand Raggidy Roller Girls, West Michigan's only known all-girl roller derby team currently in operation. Despite his limited coaching experience (namely, a short tenure as coach of an all-girl after-bar bowling league team called The 7-10 Splits), Dick, himself a two-time Olympic medalist in women's breast stroke events, accepted the position only after being assured by team captain Ms. Shutter Speed that at no time would he be expected to don skates, develop plays, call strategy, show up for pre-6 p.m. practices or learn any of the team members' first names. Their first league match still months away, the team is currently in training at Plainfield Skating Center, where, whistle and beer in hand, Dick relentlessly drills the girls in his patented techniques of arrogant violence. Below is an inter-team memo recently sent out by Dick's secretary.

Dear girls, due to the extremely disorganized nature of the team's first practice under coach Dick Bill's direction, Dick has asked me to pass on this note in hopes of clarifying some issues:

Be aware that hearing the whistle does not mean you should instantly stop skating. More than likely that's just Dick letting the waitress know he needs a new pitcher.
Please stop asking, because for the last time, no, Dick does not have any goddamned band-aids. Quit your bitching, stop bleeding and get back out on the rink.
Dick believes that late-night, after-bar practices will go more smoothly if you occasionally remind him that the team consists of only half as many skaters as he is seeing.
Dick would appreciate if someone would again explain why the team is still practicing without a ball.
The team may have all new uniforms by next practice, as Dick plans this weekend to strategically invest 100 percent of the team's money on all of the hard ways at the Mt. Pleasant casino's craps tables.