Moving Dick

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Moving Dick

It is with heavy heart we report that the Heritage Hills house in which Recoil was conceived and launched (and against which the magazine was leveraged) will this summer either be sold or burned to the ground for insurance money (whichever seems appropriate after 30 days on the market). This sale would not be of note if it were not also the house in which impromptu lifestyle guru Dick Bill has lived for more than seven years and is now forced to reluctantly vacate. It goes without saying that the most difficult part of selling any home is getting Dick Bill to leave – especially after he’s been given a key, converted the décor to suit his unique taste and at one time or another briefly populated the house with everyone who’s ever been to Mulligans. Fortunately, Dick has found a new house to invade, one which is even more reminiscent of the house from Fight Club. It is also closer to the bar and, at $75 per month, $25 less expensive in terms of rent than his now-legendary former residence. Below is an overview of Dick’s 45-day moving process – a peculiar, record-breaking pace for a man who prides himself on having almost no possessions.

Day One - No activity.

Day Two - No activity.

Days Three through 14 - Still no activity.

Day 15 - Dick enlists the use of a pickup and completes half of the move in less than an hour by cashing in most of his “retirement bottles” for their deposit, the act of which pockets Dick the healthy sum of $120. Later that night, Dick saves himself the trouble of having to move all of that money to his new house by betting big on back-to-back king-high flushes at Natron’s poker game.

Day 16 - Still tired from the move.

Day 17 - Spends day deciding whether or not to keep a non-functional and unnaturally bulky cigarette machine that Dick commandeered from Billy’s Lounge. Spends most of evening on phone trying to persuade someone to help him lift it. Spends most of night pulling knobs in an effort to get the machine to dispense his left boot.

Days 18 through 31 - Spring and/or summer break.

Day 32 - Throws mammoth “Half-Moved Party,” which actually results in Dick having three times as much shit in his house as when he started.

Day 33 - Re-strategizes.

Day 34 - Begins habit of giving one item in house to each person who comes over to drink beer from kegerator.

Day 15: Cashing in Dick’s retirement cans.

Day 37 - House now completely empty.

Day 38 - Passes out on porch (unrelated).

Day 39 - Passes out on lawn (unrelated).

Day 40 - Enlists Gino to re-drywall every wall he’s destroyed since landlord re-drywalled in January. Throws small party to celebrate his new walls.

Day 41 - Ends up having to call Gino again.

Days 42-44 - Spends majority of time randomly calling people who had been over to drink beer in an effort to determine exactly who is the proud new owner of his goddamn house key.

Day 45 - For old times’ sake, spills one last beer all over the floor. Takes taxi to new house, christens establishment by spilling beer all over the floor.

June 2005