Micro Dick

Allured by the ever-increasing market potential of microbrewed beers, as well as the prospect of brewing enough product to feed his astronomical daily consumption, legendary microbrewer and cultural icon Dick Bill has labored for weeks to formulate his own line of microbrewed beers. Soon to enter the market amidst a barrage of multi-media advertisements, Dick Bill brand beers will soon be available at quality liquor stores, taverns and dog fights nationwide. Below is a guide to Dick Bill’s different ales, each of which reflect one of the many sides of the brewer’s uncommon personality:

All-In Ale® – A clean, strong-bodied ale best consumed at a rapid pace when drawing dead after the flop with your entire rent money in the pot.

Whore’s Light® – Brewed just for the ladies, this light, golden ale is brewed with just the right touch of GHB for a crisp, clean taste that says, “Take me drunk, I’m home.”

Acid Ale® – Aged in a bathtub previously used for cooking Windowpane acid, this beer goes down easy and then, about an hour later, makes it seem like the telephone is accusing you of having four thumbs.

Two-Fisted Ale® – Originally named Drunk Fuck Ale, this brew is sold only in convenient two-packs, one bottle containing beer and the other empty, intended for smashing and then waving the bottleneck shard drunkenly at strangers.

Dickwheat® – Combining the strong body of wheat malt with the zany comedic timing of Little Rascals scene-stealer Buckwheat, this beer doesn’t make a lick of sense, whatsoever. And the taste? Don’t ask.

June 2007