Dick Bill: Extremely Bad Santa

A most unfortunate result of the struggling economy, cash-strapped West Michigan retailers have this year been forced to reduce their budgets for in-house Santa Claus appearances, causing a few well-intentioned yet woefully unprepared stores to hire cut-rate Santa impersonator and cultural icon Dick Bill as this year’s Christmas entertainment. Despite harboring an unrivaled hatred of children, babies and most adults, Dick has already deposited checks from a handful of area shopping centers, so look for him and his scantily-clad assistant during your holiday shopping excursions: he’ll be the sleep-deprived, publicly intoxicated Santa Claus who is dressed nothing like Santa and is wildly brandishing a sawed-off shotgun at any child unsupervised enough to have gotten in line – unless Dick’s assistant is currently distracting him with a two-hour lap dance.

December 2009