Recoil's extensive investigation of Dick Bill's family tree has unearthed startling evidence linking Dick to some of the most famous and charismatic figures in history. Listed below are just a few of Dick's confirmed blood relatives and their noteworthy achievements. Highlighted dates are new additions.

2,000,000 B.C., Pangea - Cave dweller Dick Ogg invents the first Mulligan's Stew by mixing molten lava and mastodon oil.

37 B.C., Rome - Crazed megalomaniac emperor Dickigula orders the construction of hundreds of statues of himself so he has something to smash while drunk.

28 A.D., Israel - Dick of Nazareth forms first Jewish speed-death-metal band named The Apostles. The band goes on to release four albums before being disbanded and crucified.

1775, Boston, Mass. - Patriot Dick Revere incorrectly interprets the "One if by land" signal when his whiskey-blurred vision perceives an extra light hanging from the steeple of Old North Church.

1804, Western Territory - President Jefferson recruits Meriwether Lewis and William "Dick" Clark to embark on the first and most important western expedition to discover Indian prostitutes and establish east-west drug trafficking routes.

1836, Texas - American frontiersman Dickie Crockett is killed by Mexicans shortly following his first gig as doorman for the Alamo.

1867, Tombstone - Wild Dick Bill Hickock murders his probation officer in cold blood after being informed that his Vegas vacation plans constitute a violation.

1876, Philadelphia, Penn. - At the Centennial Exhibition in Philadelphia, Alexander Dick Bell first demonstrates his greatest invention, the telephone, by calling in sick to Mulligan's after a rough Saturday night.

1926, Chicago - Teenaged Dick Capone begins a life of crime by stealing three bags of pizza sauce from the back of a freight truck.

1927, USSR - Dick Stalin embraces Communism as long-shot attempt to avoid having to get a real job.

1928, South Wales - Amelia Dickhart becomes the first woman in history to drink an entire case of beer in one sitting.

1938, Switzerland - Chemist Dickie Hoffman accidentally synthesizes LSD-25, accidentally consumes LSD-25, accidentally continues to consume LSD-25 and accidentally encourages everyone he knows to consume LSD-25.