General appearance: Lesions about the head, neck, arms, legs, boots, leather jacket, wallet, driver's license

Blood pressure: Dangerously high; repeatedly asked physician to "keep pumping"; patient assured physician that he's taking medication for his high blood pressure, but refused to indicate if the medication is actually intended to lower blood pressure or keep it at current level

Fingers/nails: Fingers uniform, but badly bruised; knuckles of middle fingers appear badly worn

Trachea position: Normal, but patient appears to have performed emergency tracheotomy on self at least twice in past six months

Eyes: Eyeballs basically symmetrical in size and position; patient reported the regular wearing of "beer goggles"; pupils still fail to react to light - eyelids slam shut when encountering daylight

Penis: Bordering on impressive

Anus and scrotum: Fine, although physician experienced multiple blows to the head while performing exam

Joints: Patient said "sure" when physician mentioned them

Neck veins: Severely inflamed from repeated self-inflicted karate chops to neck which patient said "helps keep [him] awake"

Head: Skull integrity at approximately 50 percent; numerous metal objects appear fused to hair

Salivary glands: Overactive, although, at time of test, patient was leafing through magazine littered with beer ads

Liver palpation: Liver severely enlarged; auxiliary livers functioning satisfactorily

Spleen: When physician announced spleen test, patient began repeating the word "spleen" at various intervals and volumes; appeared quite amused with himself

Spine: As twisted as a Jerry's Kid, but patient reports "feeling no pain"

Hearing: Eardrum apparently burrowed deep for cover years ago

Additional comments: Though patient has filed as a voluntary organ donor, physicians agree that few if any organs will be worth harvesting upon Dick's death