Dick vs. Wild

Inspired by the Discovery Channel series Man vs. Wild, a television show in which survival expert Bear Grylls survives harsh environments of all kinds equipped with minimal resources to find his way back to civilization after being dropped in remote areas, honorary Eagle Scout and cultural icon Dick Bill recently began shooting footage for his own series, Dick vs. Wild, in which Dick performs similar feats by incorporating many of the same unusual survival techniques that have allowed him to live without gainful employment for much of the last two decades. Below is a brief outline of the show’s pilot episode:

Day One

Making use of the host’s extensive skydiving experience, Dick parachutes blindfolded into an uninhabited forest in rural Rockford – acres away from civilization as suburbanites know it – equipped with only a knife, a flint (which Dick promptly loses while trying to light a Switzer Sweet during his initial freefall), a universal TV remote control and a 16-gallon keg of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
As with any survival situation, Dick’s first and foremost concern is finding a way to keep his beer cold. During his first morning of travel, Dick is overjoyed to find a quick-flowing river – not because following the water to its source will likely lead to the discovery of civilization (a tavern, ideally), but because placing his keg in the river will ensure his beer remains cold while he tries to fashion an impromptu tapping device out of the only other items he’s been able to scrounge: two malformed snail shells and a half-pound of petrified animal feces.
With darkness approaching, Dick settles into his normal at-home sleeping position: face down on a plot of lawn with spilled beer and a patch of vomit in close proximity.

Day Two

Having little to no idea of his whereabouts, or what naturally growing coca leaves actually look like, Dick spends the majority of his second morning and afternoon chewing on every form of plant life he can find in hopes that he landed in a fertile region of South America.
After several unsuccessful attempts to use his half-full keg as a raft, Dick reluctantly abandons his camp site in search of civilized life, quickly becoming discouraged he’ll never find it after stumbling upon a popular Rockford country music bar shortly after nightfall and attempting to communicate with its cowboy hat-wearing patrons.

Day Three

Waking mid-afternoon with a splitting headache, Dick eventually goes to investigate the source of the God-awful noise that he’s been hearing for the past three days, discovering US-131 and quickly bartering a ride home with a familiar-looking beer truck delivery driver.

September 2007