I enjoy the godlike power of being a therapist

By Dr. Howard Grey, PhD.

I've practiced general psychology for almost 15 years, providing personal counseling for individuals and couples in need of advice and direction. Whether dealing with depression, abuse, anxiety, stress or marital problems, my clients look to me to help sort out their lives and provide solutions to their dilemmas. And after all these years, I've got to tell you, there is nothing I'd rather do. Beyond the pay and personal satisfaction I get from my practice, I simply enjoy the godlike power of being a therapist.

On the surface, my job probably seems very dull; there really isn't much thrill in donning a neutral expression and taking a few notes while clients ramble through their series of hard-luck stories or nutcase delusions for an hour. Nor is there much satisfaction in kid-gloving them into conversation with such coy questions as, "And how did you feel when he said that?" and "What might have been a better response?"

But when the session draws to a close and it's time for me to tell the client exactly what they should do over the course of the coming week, that's when my license to play puppet master with the lives of others is fully realized. That's when I, a 39-year-old nobody, feel like God Himself.

Because despite my limited knowledge of each individual's situation and history, my instinctual best guess at a solution - whether it be "Quit your job," "Break off your relationship," etc. - immediately attains the undisputable status of "professional advice."

Seriously, you'd be surprised how readily people will do whatever I tell them to. All of those framed documents hanging on my wall must somehow convince people that I know what is best for everyone in every situation. And I think maybe clients feel that if they are going so far as to pay for advice, then they damn well better use it.

Like last week, for example, I offhandedly suggested to a client that it would be in his best interest to leave his wife. And, holy shit, he did! Tell me you wouldn't get off on being able to wield this kind of power over people! I'd spent, what, 17 or 18 hours with this person, and he trusts my judgment more than his own (he had mentioned several times that his wife was the most important thing in his whole life). That's power, baby.

In all honesty, though, he probably really could do better than that broad. From what he told me, she has trouble communicating.

I feel even more like a god when I write someone a prescription for one of the thousands of anti-whatever drugs they make these days. With one swipe of the pen,I can alter the activity of their fucking brains, for crying out loud. Tell me that isn't enough to get a good god complex going, manipulating someone's body chemistry.

Sometimes when I'm writing a scrip or telling a client what their life-changing decision will be, I imagine like I'm God telling Noah to build an ark. I picture my client dressed in primitive clothing, trembling in fear as I issue my divine instructions in a big, booming voice that echoes across the land while I fire down lightning bolts to accent my sentences.

Yes, take my word for it, being a therapist is a power trip like no other. And unlike the legal dangers surrounding the equally godlike surgical profession, clients are rarely, rarely able to build solid malpractice suits.

And an Amen to that.