Miami, Fla. -- Like many of today's proud, hard-working Americans, I marvel at the immense courage displayed by the oppressed foreigners who risk everything - sometimes even their lives - when leaving their respective homelands to plant new roots in this great land of ours. In my opinion, their resilience and bravery alone make them worthy of joining us in populating The Land of the Free.

I just have one question: CAN THESE FOREIGNERS HEAR ME?!?

Yes, I know many of these immigrants are new to our country and have not yet established a working relationship with the English language. I'm sure many of them were not privy to the resources necessary for learning the American tongue before immigrating to this great nation. This would definitely explain why all of these foreigners just stand mute and fix me with that vacant, dumb dog stare whenever I try to communicate with them.

Still, I have to wonder if these foreigners can even hear me in the first place.

I talk pretty loudly to begin with. But it seems no matter how high I raise the volume of my voice, a grand total of zero of my words are getting through to these foreigners. Sure, occasionally they'll mumble some insane gibberish of a response in whatever twisted language they currently understand, but usually they just stand there, silent and rigid, planting that hard, unblinking stare on me. Frankly, it's a little spooky.

There just has to be an explanation for this behavior.

If, for some reason, every single goddamned foreign immigrant roaming this country is physically deaf, and there is a logical explanation for this phenomenon, well, it's a situation of which I was not informed.

For instance, if immigrant transportation is limited to uncomfortable squatter spots on giant cargo ships, and the ships' engines emit so much noise that these poorly positioned freeloaders are rendered permanently deaf by the prolonged exposure, well, this is something I wish I'd been told. Because in that case, it at least makes sense why I consistently fail to solicit any response whatsoever from these newly sworn citizens when trying to communicate even such simple information as traffic directions.

Not only would this knowledge keep my voice from approaching a tone that could easily be characterized as yelling when futilely attempting to communicate with these usually short and mildly soiled foreigners, but it may even explain why they are so slow to walk away from me after our failed communication.

See, maybe the boat noise goes so far as to cause permanent inner ear damage, not only rendering these foreigners deaf, but also giving them such exceptionally poor balance that they do not want to embarrass themselves by falling flat on their face when walking away. So instead, they just wait for me to leave first - all the while remaining perfectly silent and, of course, staring at me unrelentingly.

But, seriously, that boat engine theory is a little farfetched.

I remember seeing something about a ‘foot and mouth disease' on CNN; I know it was a problem overseas somewhere.

Maybe all of these foreigners lost the use of their tongues from catching this disease. Is this why they say nothing to me as I incessantly try to communicate with my new American brothers and sisters?

Or maybe it's just that even after raising my voice to a full-out scream, I am still not talking loud enough for these foreigners. Maybe the volume at which they speak in all of those fucked up countries they're from is much louder than we Americans are used to speaking, even when talking to our spouses.

But instead of these possible explanations, I'd really like to think that all of these tongue-tied foreigners are just so in awe of me - a genuine born and bred American, my stomach large from excess and my smile wide from the glee induced by an ever-present sense of freedom - that they are simply too astonished by my very nature to form words, even in their own screwball languages.

If this is the case, then I certainly understand. And yes, I will be glad to keep repeating my words for these awed foreigners as loudly as I must, for as long as I must, until we successfully exchange our ideas. Or at least until they stop staring at me.