Everyone except me has some serious issues

By Gloria Fulton

I swear, I'm the only person I know who isn't completely screwed up in the head. My family, my friends, my coworkers - the whole lot of them act so messed up. It's so obvious that everyone except me has some serious, serious issues.

Example: my husband. I don't know how many times I've told him over the last couple of months that we need to do some redecorating to the outside of our house. I constantly remind him, "What will the neighbors think if we are not spending every free moment we have working on upgrading the appearance of our home?"

Get this. Last Saturday, after like the fifteenth or sixteenth time I talked to him about this, he tells me he doesn't care what other people think, even our neighbors! Can you believe that? So then I start yelling at him and he doesn't even try to quiet me down so the neighbors won't hear our domestic dispute. Talk about having some hang-ups. And it's not like I'm just going to find something else to prod him into doing once he finishes the outside phase of the home improvement.

Our two children are another pair I'm always at odds with. Simon and Dana are still in their formative years, and I have been doing everything in my power to instill them with the values I hold dear. I pray to God everyday that they will grow up to be as emotionally stable and mentally well-balanced as I am.

But after all I do for them, they show almost no concern for making sure that everything they do is exactly the way that I want it to be. They'll have an after-school activity or something at the same time as I've scheduled them to attend a family get-together or help me organize the garage. It's like the whole world revolves around their lives.

Oh, the kids get along just fine with their father, but that's because he just leaves them alone and doesn't try to boss them around. So now I'm the bad guy.

Well, I'm not going to get on their cases too much while they're still so young, but it's obvious the kids are eventually going to need professional help to work out these prioritization problems.

Even more mentally troubled than my children are the people at my work. The entire staff should be in therapy, as filled with issues as they are. And it's not like I work in Hollywood - this is a simple office environment!

One of my coworkers, Heidi, is so wrapped up in her own drama - mainly, her relationship - she blatantly refuses to care about things that are incredibly important to me. I'll interrupt one of her conference calls so I can explain my vacation plans to her and she doesn't even have the courtesy to cancel her lunch date with "John" so the two of us can peruse my travel brochures. She's so hung up on her boyfriend that she's willing to throw away this golden opportunity to sit down and talk about how jealous she is of me getting to go on a trip. Issues, I tell you, issues.

I could go on and on. Every single person around me is wacked in the head. It's funny, too - they're all so screwed up that they get along perfectly with each other. It's only with me - a normal, right-minded person - that all of these people can't get along. That, I think, says it all.

Alas, I guess I'm just cursed to walk the Earth as the only person who's always right, never makes mistakes and knows what's best for everyone else and will tell them without being asked.