Raleigh, N.C. -- Friends of resident Allen Buteyin confirmed Sunday that the 23-year-old engineering technician seems intent on throwing his life away in order to satisfy the growing demands of his relationship with girlfriend Sheila Coeling.
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Madison, Wis. -- University of Wisconsin freshman Gabe Gatske told sources that the 19-year-old political science major tripped his balls completely off Saturday night after ingesting multiple doses of a powerful hallucinogen and attending a planetarium showing with friends.
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Grand Rapids, Mich. -- Admitted best friends, roommates, and business partners Rubin McNeil and Robert Fentene still insist they are not homosexual, say sources close to the always-together male duo.
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Livingston, Ala. -- It’s been said that love knows no boundaries - that the special pairing of two souls can generate a love capable of transcending all space and time, carrying the duo on a mystical, euphoric journey to the center of their united being.
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Grand Rapids, Mich. -- Omni Corporation System Analyst Rob McIntosh's lunch hour fails to conform to the normal definition of the time measurement known as "one hour," sources report.
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Sioux Falls, S.D. -- Sources report that women's intuition received credit for what appeared to be nothing more than a fairly obvious assumption last week, when local cocktail waitress Kimberly Talaski correctly identified a telephone caller as being her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend.
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Sarasota, Fla. -- After years of abusing such harmful substances as sugar, red meat and cheese, local RN Alan Northrup reports that his medicinal use of alcohol is yielding unprecedented results...
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Bloomington, Idaho -- Area farmer Gus Hughes is almost ready to drive across town and find out how rival farmer Ted Polaski is growing his abnormally large potatoes, sources report.
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Madison, Wis. -- Members of the local rock band Forrest Grump are excitedly describing the band's three out-of-town shows scheduled for early next month as a 'tour,' sources reported Monday.
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Orlando, Fla. -- Despite being virtually ignored by much of the Orlando music community, young local post-hardcore band Bugger The Toast is ecstatic about its success in using the Internet to expose music fans the world over to the band’s shitty, intolerable blend of chaotic noise.
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Grand Rapids, Mich. -- Local construction worker and thrice-convicted drunk driver Curt Hiatt is pretty sure the Amoco gas station on the corner of Byron Center and Burton Ave. sells beer, sources report.
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Grand Rapids, Mich. -- Matt Schiller, friend and roommate of PC gaming enthusiast Mike Markowski, failed to respond Sunday to Markowski's repeated questioning about what time the two were to begin their nightly game of Half-Life, a popular first-person shooter game.
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Kilgore, Ill. -- At an after-bar house party held early Sunday morning, Kilgore promoter/stoner Joey Satterfield announced plans to throw yet another benefit concert in May.
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Tampa, Fla. -- Homeless, jobless street bum Carl Jetkins exudes a surprisingly pleasant scent, say sources close to the aging panhandler.
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Concord, Va. -- According to patrons of Herbie’s Sandwich Shop, unemployed window washer and diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic Gary Conrad’s extensive conversation with his ham and turkey bagel sandwich Monday afternoon took on an argumentative tone when the sandwich apparently did not agree with Conrad.
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Tampa, Fla. -- Skins power forward Leon Ballard was traded to Shirts Saturday afternoon, the result of a 30-second negotiation between the two Cherry Ave.
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Athens, Ga. -- SBenson Elementary third-grade student Lisa Neumann voluntarily shed light on the conditions of her learning facility Sunday afternoon when the 8-year-old recited from memory a comprehensive list of classmates who swear, sources confirm.
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Los Angeles, Calif. -- Sources confirm that sexy, single local musician Ben Wolman, who is often referred to as a "total hottie" by female admirers of the percussionist, enjoys countless sexual advances despite his tendency to mock others, make lewd comments, and act like God's gift to women.
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Owensboro, Ky. -- Responding to strict unspoken social edicts, media and public relations coordinator Erica Liddy again applied ‘cover-up’ makeup to her entire face Friday morning, in an effort to conceal blemishes caused by weeks of consistently using the synthetic beauty aids.
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